Bree
I know I have talked about this before, but it needs to be talked about again. The other night she called. I answered the phone to a "Hello! What's up?" This is were I snapped. I started yelling about how she was a hypocrite and I was over it. She apologized and wanted me to chill. I'm really torn talking to her. She was the one who wanted to stop and now she calls me when she is alone and her boyfriend is working. It's just weird to me. Maybe if she didn't yell at me and told me to never call or txt her it wouldn't be such a big deal, but right now it is.

Taylor
This little red haired girl is special to me. I love talking to her and when she opens up a convo with me by saying "hey cutie" I melt. Maybe it's because I crave the attention of girls right now... Even though she is young and not really the type I would date, she is a cool chick. She sent me a message on facebook that read "Its hard because I do like you, but your in the cities.. and the age difference.. and because of Tanner.. I wish things were different." What do you do when you see this? I understand the whole rebound bit and I don't want to have a little feelings for her, but I do and we have never met. She tells me she applied to Rasmussen College here in Eagan. Maybe that is when we could have a chance. Maybe we will grow to hate each other? Maybe Maybe Maybe.

April
I feel like deleting her everyday from bookface. She puts up pictures and and they are so beautiful. The one girl I will never stop caring for and I have to look at her as she grows more beautiful everyday. I'm not sure If I wrote about this in previous entry, but i finally decided to delete all her photos and videos on my phone that I have taken or she has sent me. It was one of the hardest things to do. I looked at these photos everyday and felt unwanted. So, i started deleting one photo or movie one everyday. After 3 days of no photos I felt better knowing I couldn't see her on my phone at lest. Then one day she sent me some photos and she was more beautiful then I remembered. Those photos remain on my phone till the day I can muster up the courage to do it all again.

Love not transmittable
I was thinking this the other day and it's crazy. The human brain/heart doesn't feel others love. They may know it, but don't feel it. I always wonder what it would be like to know someone who is truly in love with me and not care or be bothered by it.
The fact you can't push love is devastating. The idea of finding someone who could feel the way you do is so low that I wonder if it's worth trying. It's kind of like religion in the idea that you shouldn't push it onto people, except in this case if you do push it then the other will be pushed away. No one finds love by another telling them they care. It's something you feel and hope they do. For this reason I can't stand it.

Today was a weird day.

After days of being really down about April, I decided she will never get it. I'm trying to move on from the one girl I have loved my whole life... again. It all started with me deleting pictures of her and I off my phone. Not easy. I still have 2, but did change the background on my phone. It was a really hard thing to do knowing she changed it to it. I did and it's weird looking at my phone and not seeing her smile. Along with deleting her photos, I got rid of the videos she sent me of Elizabeth. I used to watch those over and over and just feel joy and relief. Watching it now is just heartbreaking and hollow.

I went skating today and came back up to find 2 new messages. Assuming it was another girl I have been talking to I opened it up to find a picture of April and Eliazbeth smiling at me.

I stopped and couldn't believe what I was looking at. The girl who stopped talking to me out of the blue and shut me down after really getting close to me decided to send me a pic of something that just destroys me now. The second message was just of Elizabeth. I sent her a txt and we talked for a bit then it quickly ended.

It's almost like she knew I was trying to get her out of my head. I love her and always will.

I wonder what that feels like? Knowing someone is always there for you.

Last night was a bit strange. I have grown accustomed to looking at my phone every time I open my eyes at night to see who has txted me. Last night a got a big surprise. It was Bree. She asked how our dog was doing. I answered her back and we proceeded to talk for almost 2 hours. This coming from a girl who on my last txt to her 2 weeks ago told me to never txt her again. After a conversation about Valentines day I asked her why she was talking to me after her telling me not to talk to her. She replied "I miss you..."

This brings up many emotions in me. I have moved on and this tells me maybe she kind of hasn't? I know she wants to talk to me. She told me it was because of her now boyfriend. I know she txted me while he was at work. I couldn't imagine her doing it with him around, or maybe I could. She fucked around with other people while she told me she loved me and lived in my house.

I felt like a fool that made a huge mistake a bit later in the convo. When she told me that, I responded with "I miss you too." I shouldn't have. We talked for a bit more and she asked why I was still up at 2am(I work at 3am). I told her "because I'm talking to you." I already talked to Beth about this and she told me exactly what I knew. I should just not talk to her ever again. That was the plan. What happens if she calls again?

I hope she doesn't.

Today is Valentines Day. A couple days ago I really thought about killing myself today.

At work when I have no music to take my mind off things, I really wonder why I havn't yet. I have been on a drinking a lot too. More times then not I stumble home and think about cutting and ending it like that. It's fun when I'm with friends, but the second I'm alone I realize I am really alone.

Up until a 3 months ago my life was awesome. I could have used more money, but hey who wouldn't want that. Bree dumped me for another male. Through the lies of hating him and making fun of him. She told me later that was just so I didn't catch on. More on her later.

Today hasn't been bad for me. The idea of couples going out bothers me, but that's not a very big thing. I just sat around, skated, and did shit not envolving a tv to remind me. I can deal.